This Week’s Battle Plan
The Eminem of Wall Street
Friday morning, June 28.
"Good morning ladies and gentlemen, I’m Mark Haines. 
Over
the past two days, the market has rallied 340 points from its opening
Wednesday morning. The brokerage stocks are up more than 5 1/2% during
that time and it looks like we’re going to open higher again this
morning. Now, our motto is "profit from us." And you may
think that we are a financial markets information company. And you may
think I’m a financial market journalist. But I’m not. I’ve fooled you
all along. I’m really the Wall Street Eminem!!!"
Now this looks like a job for me
So everybody, just follow
me
Cause we need a little
controversy
Cause it feels so empty,
without me
Mark "Eminem" Haines
"So lets go to the news. On the top of my list is
Bill Gross. Yes, the Bill Gross of Pimco fame. Possibly the greatest
debt trader in the history of Wall Street. And, let’s focus on his
interview with us yesterday and see what the man is thinking. Interest
rates are at 40-year lows, and he has absolutely nailed this market
this year. But who cares about that stuff? I want to focus on
something much more important: he took a shot at GE, our parent
company! Yes sir, sure did. Right here, on our network. He referred to
GE’s debt as "double A" instead of "triple A,"
obviously a slap at management. What do you think? Did you see
that?"
Now this looks like a job for me
So everybody, just follow
me
Cause we need a little,
controversy
Cause it feels so empty,
without me
"Now let’s move onto other important news. Xerox. Let’s replay a
tape of the CEO when she was on our show on May 2. See, she told us
that earnings would not need to be restated. She lied. Did you see
that? Yup, it looks like she lied."
Now
this looks like a job for me
So everybody, just follow
me
Cause we need a little,
controversy
Cause it feels so empty,
without me
"Let’s now break for a commercial. And when we return, we’ll
focus on Martha Stewart!" How original. Martha Stewart!
60 seconds later…
Guess who’s back?
Back again
Mark Haines back
Tell a friend
Guess who’s back, guess who’s back, guess who’s back, guess who’s back
guess who’s back, guess who’s back, guess who’s back…
"And, for our most important story of the morning…Did Martha
Stewart know that Imclone’s stock would implode? (for the real answer,
click
here). It sure looks like it to me. I’m a University of
Pennsylvania Law School graduate. I should know. She looks as guilty
as anyone I’ve ever known."
"Well that’s it for the morning. We can bounce over to Maria and
Tom Costello, but I’ve already covered the real important stuff."
Yes…
This
looks like a job for me
So everybody, just follow
me
Cause we need a little,
controversy
Cause it feels so empty,
without me…
And if you think I’m kidding about these news stories being run during
the 30 minutes before Friday’s opening, I’m not. If you ever wanted to
see just how clueless these guys are to what’s really happening in the
marketplace, you only had to watch them on Friday. As traders, we try
to get inside the guts of the marketplace — what’s really happening.
That’s what makes money. But these guys don’t understand that.
The only thing they care about is creating gossip to boost their
ratings. Teddy Roosevelt gave a famous
speech about the credit going to the man who does battle in in the
arena. I strongly suspect the "Eminem of Wall Street" would
not have made that list.
